My life over the last week has been very befitting of my blog title. I feel like I’m living in a constant brain fog that I just can’t seem to break free from at the moment. I haven’t been able to concentrate on much of anything lately, my anxiety has been brewing up a nasty storm inside me, and my list of things I had planned for the girls and I went straight out the window. Some days have been harder than others, but I have tried my best.
When the smallest things become the biggest worries…
My daughter’s last day of Kindergarten was on Thursday of last week. I printed out the cute little sign announcing the last day of Kindergarten and placed it next to my camera…where I found it yesterday evening…still untouched. I forgot to take my kid’s last day of school photo, and it took me 5 days to realize it.
After a few minutes of panicking I tried to remind myself it’s just 1 photo. Who the heck would know if I snapped it a week late? After all, has she really had time to change that much in a week’s time? But, I would know. My daughter would know. I totally blanked on her first last day of school photo, and she will now hate me forever for ruining her precious memories.
I’m not a bad mom. I suffer from anxiety.
But, that’s what happens when my anxiety takes hold. The smallest things turn into worries of catastrophic proportions. I hate it when my anxiety or depression entraps me. I never ever wanted my kids to have to experience Mommy at her worst. But, the truth is sometimes it unavoidable. This time my attack was minor compared to most, and I managed to pull myself together before either of my girls had to deal with it.
And the truth is, Ellie could care less about that photo. When I mentioned the forgotten photo to Ellie she gave me an “oh well” shoulder shrug and left the room to find something more interesting to do.
I’ve managed to keep the house livable, the kids fed, mostly clean (so there may have been 1 night I let them get away with claiming pool time as a perfectly acceptable bath substitute), and everyone alive. So what if the girls watched too much tv today? Who cares if we’ve all spent more time in our pajamas than “real clothes” all week? I’m managing, and sometimes managing is all you can do.
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