Being Distracted Didn’t Work

If you saw me online yesterday, I was my normal self – making jokes on Twitter and Facebook, taking part in a Twitter party, writing blog posts, commenting on blog posts. In reality, I was trying to stay distracted from what February 28th means to me. It didn’t work.

Instead, I cried when no one was looking. I tossed and turned when I went to bed. Memories shot around my head like boomeramgs. I snapped at my daughter and my husband. And I was caught off guard again this year.

12 years ago, my beautiful, young, loving sister died from Leukemia. She was only 33 years old. She had 2 children. Her son was just a baby. Her daughter was only 2. She went through chemotherapy, lost her beautiful hair, became too weak to take care of herself and her children. She had a stem cell transfer and just a few short weeks later, she died.

I was pregnant with my daughter Sammi when my sister was diagnosed. I was the one chosen to be her stem cell donor. But because of my pregnancy, the donation had to wait. I still wonder if that is why she died. I’ll never get over the guilt, the wondering. I know that medically there was nothing I could do. You can’t donate stem cells or bone manner until 6 weeks after you give birth (at least that was the rules 12 years ago), but the guilt lingers.

And the sadness continues. Distraction doesn’t work, so I might as well let everyone know how I’m feeling. Or just give in.

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Connie Roberts

Professional Blogger
Living in the Tampa Bay area, I'm lucky enough to see beautiful sunsets almost every day. Although life can be difficult at times, focusing on the positive and being with my family is what gets me through.

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Comments

  1. Oh Connie, I’m sending hugs and happy thoughts to you. You can’t live in what-ifs.
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  2. So sorry for your loss Connie. I always wanted a sister to be close to. Your sister had a great sister. Enjoy your good memories together {{Hugs}}

    Thanks you for bringing to light the importance of stem cell donation and research.
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  3. I am so sorry for you loss Connie. Hugs

  4. I’m so sorry Connie. I lost my brother in 1987. It’s a terrible thing and there are no words. You’re in my thoughts.
    Christine wrote this fabulous post..Menu Plan Monday Feb 28- 2011My Profile

  5. What a sad story, Connie, I’m so sorry. I lost a sister-in-law last month unexpectedly at age 40 and I am dealing my husband and his family’s ongoing grief. You are in my thoughts.