As I sat watching Peanut at her 4th grade Award Ceremony, I could not stop my “mind speak” – don’t grow up – as it kept repeating over and over. There she was with her classmates and friends, laughing, looking so confident and dashing up to the stage when her name was called, no time to stop for a photo for Mom. When did she get so mature?
What is it about me that I want time to stand still? When she was an infant and so needy waking me up in the middle of the night and I was so weary, yet when I cuddled her and nursed her, I thought this is the best time of my life. Don’t let it end.
Those first babbles and smiles, when I knew that she was trying to communicate to me, it made me so happy that I cried tears of joy – please let her stay just like this. When she said her first words, some that only I could understand, I wished for her to stay just that cute. As much as I wanted her to be able to speak so everyone could understand her and so that she could let the world know about her dreams, I was selfish.
When she clung to me in tears, wetting my shirt, causing the teacher to have to pry her off of me and me to cry too, I thought this is how she is showing me that she loves me. She knows that I am the best Mom. I should just keep her home and let her stay with me forever. But that teacher took her away and she stayed that day and for two more years.
As she grew, each milestone caused me to look back and then look ahead. The looking ahead scares me. I am supposed to want her to succeed, to mature, to grow up to be the wonderful woman I see growing before my eyes. I am a selfish mother.
