An Anniversary

I kept myself busy today even though I was very fatigued. I didn’t want to focus on the anniversary of what this day is. It’s a very sad day for me. It’s not only this day either, it’s months before and months after.

Ten years ago today, my beautiful, funny, sister who had no enemies died from Leukemia. She was only 33, was married and had two children. Her son was just an infant.

At first we were told that she would beat this. But the chemo treatments weren’t working. She was getting sicker. I was pregnant when she was diagnosed. And we learned that she would need a bone marrow donor. I was the last one tested after no one else was a match. I was a perfect match for her, but we had to wait until after I gave birth to do the transfer.

It ended up being a stem cell transfer that was done. No matter because she died any way. I miss her terribly. I still feel guilty that she had to wait. I feel guilty that maybe there was something wrong with my stem cells because I ended up being diagnosed with chronic illnesses.

I hate this day and all it reminds me of.

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Connie Roberts

Professional Blogger
Living in the Tampa Bay area, I'm lucky enough to see beautiful sunsets almost every day. Although life can be difficult at times, focusing on the positive and being with my family is what gets me through.

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Comments

  1. These are the worst kind of anniversaries to remember. My Dad died in February, too, and it will always make it a bad month for me no matter how many years go by.

    I don’t blame you for hating this day in the least. Big hug!

    Lindas last blog post..Rudeness Should Equal Reprimand

  2. It’s not something you haven’t heard before, but what if you had given the donation early, when you were still pregnant and something horrible happened? I didn’t know your sister, but I am sure she wouldn’t have wanted that in the slightest. I bet you two were great friends, I’m so sorry she’s gone.

    I can not imagine your stem cells being bad for her, that’s why they use the stem cells, they still have the ability to become what they need to be. I’ve donated stem cells before, I know what you did was no small thing. You do not deserve the guilt, too bad guilt isn’t something rational that you can just tell to get lost.

    Stupid Februaries. Hang in there, hug the youngin’s

    Eryns last blog post..100th Post! Come celebrate with me!

  3. I’m really sorry… I know that isn’t nearly enough to say. Just keep hanging in there, and know I’m sending you hugs!

    Sadies last blog post..Pepper’s Sick

  4. Awe man, I cant even inmagine how you feel. Try not to feel guilty. Thanks for sharing that with us, it must of been hard to. Chin up love and keep your sister always in your memory!

    LadyGraces last blog post..18++ NOT for the faint hearted

  5. That is a very hard thing to go through. I hope you feel better just sharing it with us. Never forget, your sister knew your heart, and the selfless act of love you showed for her. Even after all these years, she wouldn’t want you to blame yourself or carry the guilt. You put forth the best effort you could…and you were there for her. She is smiling on you always!

    Barbaras last blog post..A 100% Recyclable Kitchen!

  6. My sympathies are with you.

    Sam Servedios last blog post..Best-Rated Online Programs

  7. I know you’ve probably heard it a million times, but you certainly can’t blame yourself for anything that happened, and your sister definitely wouldn’t want you to feel an ounce of guilt.

    (((hugs)))

    Lorettas last blog post..Great Coupon Code for Petco!

  8. i’m so sorry. i’m thinking about you today…

  9. I’m sorry to hear about this- I’m sure it’s harder to deal with than any of us can imagine.

    Maureens last blog post..Your New Online Business: Doesn’t Have to Be Costly or Time Consuming

  10. Oh what a sad day, I’m sorry 🙁

    Julies last blog post..IZEAFest 2009 at Sea World

  11. Oh Connie, I’m so sorry. What a horrible anniversary. I can’t even imagine. 🙁

    Creative Junkies last blog post..My parents’ sex life and a video. I know what you’re thinking.

  12. Oh man, I’m sorry about your sister. That’s one of those situations that you have to give up to G-d and know that He has it under control, otherwise you could drive yourself insane with the could’ve and would’ves.

    Kate @ FromaDesperateHousewifes last blog post..Wordful Wednesday and Holes in the Bathroom

  13. There are no words anyone can say that will take this memory and change it for you. Learned that going through my own grief recovery therapy. However, I empathize with your pain and wondering, and am so sorry this happened this way. There are lots of “what ifs” in this world… but never do they provide complete satisfaction.

    Diane Scotts last blog post..Get Paid to Play Video Games

  14. Thanks for caring Linda. I’m sending you Hugs too.

  15. Eryn, everything you’ve said is true but when it comes to guilt my brain and heart are at odds.

  16. Thanks Sadie, just knowing you care is a good feeling.

  17. LG, She is always in my thoughts. My older daughter was old enough to know her. And we keep her memory alive for my younger daughter. Thanks for caring.

  18. Barbara, Wow! You wrote just the right things. Thank you so much.

  19. Thanks so much Sam.

  20. Loretta, I have heard it before, but it helps when people who don’t know the situation tell me. Thank You.

  21. I appreciate it Cady.

  22. It has gotten easier, Maureen. I think the anniversary date brings up such bad memories.

  23. Thanks for your kindness, Julie.

  24. It is tough, CJ, but sharing it and hearing from you all makes it easier to handle.

  25. Kate, you’re right. I struggle with this though.

  26. Diane, I have a motto that I live by about not wanting to say, “What if” and here I am doing this to myself. I appreciate you reminding me of this. I’m going to do a lot of thinking and praying.

  27. Oh Connie! What a super sad, awful anniversary! I’m so very sorry!! Just makes me ache for you…. {{{{{{{{{{Connie}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Lisa Marie Marys last blog post..Mondo Migraine Monday